It says a lot when you look at a year and describe it as nothing but a process. A process that has no name, no description, no scope - just steps.
In 2015, my mind seemed to grow a lot wider, deeper, tougher. I learned that I am capable, and I learned how to finally be comfortable with the idea of being proud of myself. It's necessary to look up to others and to learn from them, but never belittle your achievements at the same time. Admiring others does no good if you ridicule yourself.
I learned that I need to put myself first. Resting your thoughts on the emotions of others gives you no rest. The better aspects around you, no matter how many of them there are, tend to be overshadowed by those that make you feel uneasy. And that's okay. I learned that dwelling and overthinking cannot be stopped, no amounts of "Stop thinking too much" will ever make you stop thinking too much. The only person that holds the door to your mind is yourself and the words of others may soothe you, but it will never heal you. I learned that all I needed to be was patient, to not stop myself from letting down a strong front when I'm on my own, to find comfort in my heart by myself doing things that I am certain I enjoy.
I learned that I have so much that I want to do. I want to get rid of all that is superficial - thoughts, feelings, interests. I want to question the world around me, and explore endlessly to find answers on my own. I want to seek solace in writing and reading for the rest of my life, covering different subjects and areas. I want to watch how my mind expands as the years go by, documenting my journeys through different mediums every step of the way. I want to create content - something I have not thought out in detail yet but am determined to do so in 2016. I want to meet people and listen to their stories, and to create long-lasting relationships that are bounded deeply by the sharing of aspirations and visions. I want to travel to new places, places not commonly conquered by the interests of many. I want to find the beauty in the smallest of things - to look at simple gestures, plain landscapes and allow my imagination to conjure up stories and scenarios.
I learned that I am blessed, but I am not yet content. I'm not sure why, but I'm grateful that I've noticed. It makes me uncomfortable when people tell me that I have it all going for me, because I have yet to feel that way. I blame this on myself and my inability to be at ease with the idea of expressing my emotions when it comes to matters of myself. I'm looking for certainty, certainty about who I am and who I want to be, and I'm excited to look for it this coming year.
In 2015, I learned that tears were spilled way too often. I learned that my dreams go way beyond what I thought it was in 2014. I learned that as much as I want to tell myself that I deserve the world, I would like to firstly be sure when I tell myself that the world deserves me.
I learned that there are many things that I have not learned about myself.
2016, you'll teach me.
