How am I supposed to go about living in this comfort and ease? I feel guilty for feeling so hopeless, for not being able to handle my own thoughts and for not being able to pick myself up properly. I feel guilty for letting myself get into yet another slump when there're so many people out there going through things I can't even imagine. 

It's hard to not let these things affect me. It's hard for me to read all these things on the news, not being able to do anything about it. It's hard for me to accept the fact that I'm not doing enough to make a real difference, and to be of use to people who actually need help. 

It's hard realizing that I'm tiring myself day in and day out for such selfish reasons. I'm doing things for myself. Everything around me, the mechanisms of this very society that I want to be a part of, is fueled by the self. I live in a world where a longer CV becomes the rationale for giving back to those who need it. I live in a world where the idea of trust is something that can be merely disregarded. We're aware of injustice, yet we watch as it unfolds. We watch influence disregard helplessness. We vote for people that don't care about the people. We're pawns on a chessboard, the first ones to go, protecting those we never chose to protect. 

I've been feeling particularly angry. Angry about many things. Angry about the fact our world is breeding lunatics, breeding those who want to end the lives of the harmless, or those that they simply cannot stand. The unjust death of the normal civilian is not deemed as important, not important enough to abolish laws backed up by a board of people who have bank accounts that keep policies glued in place. The freedom to have an identity is so disrespected, disrespected enough that people wish death upon others. Humans are so disrespectful, disrespectful enough to play the role of God, in the name of God Himself. 

This week, I learned, or more so was reminded of, a few things; 

The concept of being a fan of a celebrity has been tainted; because we've seen that a fan can love until the point of derangement until an innocent individual spends her last few seconds watching a gun aimed at her at a place that she believes she is safe and mutually admired.

The freedom to love is reciprocated with the harsh freedom to hate. People that have come to accept themselves are propelled into a state of fear, knowing that there is now a possibility that somebody out there does not respect, and does not respect the heart of another to the point that he does not respect the life of another as well. 

Religion, which was initially used as a vehicle for peace and unity, has now become one that promotes segregation and false judgement. Religion is used to justify the bad qualities of selected group on individuals, rather than the good qualities of the majority of millions that have embraced it since the beginning of its time. It is used as a justification to stop people from crossing borders because a religious label is all it takes to stamp someone for the so-called 'benefit' of national security. 

Weapons have become the extension of our very existence. I watched a video of a 13-year-old boy, a citizen of one of the most security conscious countries in the world, getting denied cigarettes, alcohol and lottery tickets, but legally buying himself a gun. This boy walks out the door with a rifle that looks like it's three-quarters the length of his leg. He's been granted this out of the idea of freedom. Now, it's funny. It seems like the freedom to kill is easier to obtain than the freedom to love? This is why I've never agreed at the very mention of our world seemingly getting more 'peaceful' as time goes by. 

People still do not understand that reputation and money will not equate to your worth as a decent human being. People defend rapists because they can swim to get medals. People out there, with minds capable of thinking, still choose to believe that the violation of human rights is a reversible process. 

I've never once doubted that human beings are the most deadly creations alive. Human beings are the biggest monsters, just as much as they can be the biggest angels. While I was feeling pretty down a few days ago, I stumbled across this video of a teenage boy. He was falsely accused of stealing a cell phone and was beaten up until he confessed for what he did not do. The confession did him no good, and now this teenage boy has one arm. The other had been cut off. Cut off without a drop of remorse. Here I was, struggling to be content with my life as I lay in a net of complete safety, while he walks around his town with one arm and a constant risk of being under attack. I also read this article a while ago, about a brother who had smashed his sister's skull with a wooden stick because she wanted to partake in a marriage that he did not approve of. 

And I'm sure we're all aware of how this barely makes up any amount of percentage of what's wrong in our world today. 

I've realized that motivation becomes very superficial when it's driven by self-benefit. The satisfaction it reaps is only temporary for me. The difference that I want to make in my lifetime is not a difference in my own life, but a difference in the lives of those around me as well. I have all these views, opinions and ideas, but I don't know what to do with them. I don't know whether I'm ready to do what I want to do with them. It's a very vast dream, you may call it cliche, the whole idea of bringing about a better good. I don't blame you for thinking that, I mean people say it all the time but look at the mess around us. It takes time, it might even take a lifetime before finding a breakthrough, but I'd rather have a lifetime trying to do that than have a lifetime dedicated to obtaining society's general perception of success.